"No! No!" I screamed, pushing through the crowd. "Damon! Don't!"
"Such manners!" One old lady tutted. "No respect."
I didn't listen. I pushed throught he crowds. "DAMON!" I screamed louder than I thought I ever could.
Go Nic go. I thought to myself.
"Nic! Nicolina! Look out!" A faraway voice said. I slammed into a wall. I tasted blood on my lip but ran on. My hair was flying any which way, clinging to the tears on my face.
Then I saw him. Damon. Standing next to two scary looking people. It was them. The wizards wanted me, not him. Damon was just a mortal, caught in the middle of an ancient battle. The wizards sw me coming and yanked him into the shadows. All I heard before I collasped was the long, agonising scream.
Then I woke up. Is he alright? was my first thought. Oh my God! I prayed I wasn't seeing the future, as I so often did. Damon was Damon. Tall, brown haired, athletic. I was Nicolina, or Nic. Auburn hair, quiet, known as a mystery girl. Damon knows everything now, just not the danger I've so stupidly put him in.
It was just a Saturday morning. The wizards weren't here, weren't due. I'd take better care of Damon than that.
But there was Mason. So very long ago, in my third life, he sacrificed his life for me. Now, Mason was Damon. He would do the same. I can't let that happen.
I got dressed and paced around my room Until I felt calm enough then I went into the kitchen.
“Morning Nic.” Mum said as I slid into a chair.
“Morning Mum.”
“Sleep well?”
“Fine.” I lied. I got good at it before Damon knew.
“Now, do you want eggs or a bacon sandwich?”
“Bacon sandwich, thanks.”
Just then, Dad came in. From the redness in his face, the wet patches on his shirt and that he was puffing, I guessed he’d gone for a run. “Morning girls!”
“Morning Dad.”
“Morning love. Eggs or a bacon sandwich?”
Dad winked at me. “I’ll have what Nic’s having.”
“Okay then, I’ll have double dog poo on slices of mouldy bread.” I said mischievously.
“Sounds good!” Dad said, heading off to the shower.
“Seeing Damon today? Can you light the stove please?”
I stared at the stove until a blue flame erupts under both frypans. “Nope. He’s seeing his cousins, I think. You’re stuck with me!”
Mum makes a face of mock horror. “All day with my daughter? Heaven forbid!”
I laughed. “I know, right? A whole day.”
“Survive the let down, won’t you? It’s only one day.”
I looked at her.
“Well, you came down looking deflated and you aren’t seeing him today. A mother knows these things.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty bummed.”
“He’s so good to you, your Damon.”
“I know. He’s almost too good to be true.”
“It’s true Nic. Even when you’re as young as fifteen, you can know love.”
“Yeah...”
I thought of all the things Damon’s done for me over the past six months. At the beach last April, on our one month anniversary, he gave me a bunch of gerberas, my favourite. In May when we had our first kiss, the sweetness of it all had me melting. In June, on my fifteenth birthday, he took me to the movies and paid for everything. In July, when I was shivering like mad at school, he gave me his jumper. Now it’s nearing the end of August, and it was my turn to be the giving one. It was his birthday, and I gave him everything he asked me for. We went to the movies again, and I paid. That day was the best ever in my life. On August the fourteenth at around four-twenty, he said he loved me.
While I was daydreaming, Dad had his shower and he and Mum were eating breakfast. A plate of bacon and bread was sitting in front of me. I began eating it, and adding maple syrup. Once I was done I put my plate in the sink and retreated to the lounge room. I put on a DVD and grabbed my phone to see I had a message. My heart fluttered when I saw it was Damon.
Hey gorgeous, the cousins are here and I’ve been totally excluded. What u up 2?
I replied: Just watching a DVD. I was hoping you’d text actually. It’s weird, I don’t know what 2 do with my Saturdays. Funny huh?
LOL. That’s my Nic. We’ve only had our Saturday tradition for 3 months.
That is about 90 days.
Ok, that is a lot. I remember mine so much calmer than four kids under ten running around. My sister is a nutcase. You’re so lucky 2 be an only child at times like this.
Yeah, but when I was younger, I had 2 play by myself. No chasy, no hide and seek, anything. Only when I saw my cousins that are a rare novelty.
I see your point. Phoebe’s still a nutcase.
I have to agree.
I’d better go, Mum’s calling. Hope it’s not chores.
Ok. Bye, love you.
I love you too. Bye.
Sigh. It’s no fun sitting around without my boyfriend on a Saturday, when I’m pretty sure my parents are being loved up.
I've just started randomly writing this. Please tell me how I can improve it, because I'd like to continue to see how my first romance turns out. I also need some ideas for a title. 'To Be Confirmed...' doesn't make the cut.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy....well this is an interesting start. It starts with some really cool fantasy elements ther which manages to instantly hook you in, but then things slow down considering and we're informed of a relationship that looks a little too good and I just get the feeling that something is wrong. It was quite the start here I think.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well this is off to an interesting start. Oh dear, wow, we've got mortals, ancient battles, wizards and just general fantasy related chaos and I love this start...its a really fun way to just throw us readers right into the story without a second's hesitation and I am loving it so far.
Ohh...that's interesting, so that was a dream and yet somehow it seems its all real somehow as this person runs off to save this Damon fellow. Well, this is already a pretty exciting start here and so far I'm loving where this is going.
Okayy...an interesting conversation there here to kick that particular part off...suddenly that whole bit of excitement gets a bit of a damper there. I love this dialogue, its pretty realistic to a happy little family, and I love to see that, but also it just seems to completely the flow of the excitement from earlier and that's not great.
Okayy....not entirely sure if that was meant to be a bit of a joke there or not. Its a bit hard to spot the sarcasm there although that could entirely just be me. At any rate, it lets us know a couple of interesting details, so that's great.
Okayy...well that's weirdly supposed to be a little bit too perfect almost. Something about that descriptiont there for the relationship doesn't quite sit right with me, I feel like there's more to that than what's immediately obvious here.
Okay....well I guess that's the typical conversation you tend to have via text. That seems to be fairly normal from what is immediately evident. This seems like just a chat between two good friends or well, two lovers in this case. Its pretty realistic and its done quite well I think.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think this is a good start here. Its certainly got a few things going for it here. I will say though that you need to look into the transitions just a tiny bit more here, especially with the excitement turning into a very slow paced scene. Otherwise, not too bad of a start here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Yeah I should really add to this... but I had writers block, then I started on another and forgot about this. I don't even have a title. I shall work on this, and clear out the Mason/Damon business.
Beautifully written. I love it. It's beyond words. I can't describe it. Well, I guess I can. You showed instead of told. That's always a wonderful factor in writing a good story. You can easily write about this topic, and it seemed to come to you.
The only things that left me hanging or lost me completely were the mention on wizards, the numerous lives, and the mentoin of Mason and Damon being the same person. Why were the wizards coming? What were they going to do? I think that other readers would enjoy it more if you explained that, as well as the numerous lives and Mason and Damon situations, more in depth.
Hey!
It's just a general pet peeve of mine when things start with dialogue. There are a lot more creative, grabbing opening lines that you could do instead to really draw the reader in. Experiment with that a little.
What is "scary"? Scary to you is probably different than it is to me. Describe what makes these people scary. Is it their clothes, face, demeanor, etc.
This makes zero sense to me. Mason is Damon? What? I'm super confused. I'd elaborate on this more.
There's no need for until to be capitalized. I'd take out "then i went" and replace it with "to go"
This is kind of a confusing sentence. I'm pretty sure I know what you're saying here but it doesn't really fit in with what's going on, in my opinion. I think you could easily take it out, or rephrase it a little to go with the dialogue better.
This line feels awkward to me. I think you could simply just say "I could tell he had just gotten back from a run."
This sounded a little off to me. I think you should rephrase it some. Maybe start off with saying something like "In August the tables turned, and it was my turn to be the giving one. I gave him everything he asked for on his birthday, I paid for his movie and it was one of the best days of my life."
I love that it's the exact date and time
A lot of this can be condensed. You could easily replace everything with something like "After I ate I went in to the lounge room to watch a movie. I looked at my phone...."
I think it's got a lot of potential!
A couple of things to keep in mind:
-You do a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. If you're not familiar with what that means, basically telling is when you tell what happens, there isn't much detail, it's just the cut and dry story. In general, you want to show more. A good way to do this is just simply add more detail. What is your narrator thinking, feeling, seeing, etc.? That'll else help build your characters more so the reader feels for them.
If you're still confused about the showing vs. telling thing, there have been a ton of helpful articles written on it on the site.
-Don't forget to proofread and do a spell check of your work
Let me know if you need anything else!
-Carly
Hello!!! I love this opening! It is very interesting and has a few cliff hangers! Now for the criticism...
you already mentioned her first thought and it is in italics, so saying it is her second thought is unnecessary.How exactly did she run into a wall? Was she not looking? Did she turn her head? This is an easy spot to expand on!
When did her cousin tell Damon they were spell casters? Another easy spot to expand on!
Great opening try to expand more!! Keep writing!
Thanks you two, very constructive critisism there. I've improved grammar, and when I'm not on such a time schedule I'll slow it down and stretch it out.
As for Damon is Mason... Come back soon!
Hey there!
So, this was a pretty good story opening. The first section was definitely my favourite part and it grabbed my attention straight away. It's just a formatting thing, but I don't think you really need to put it in italics. It would work just as well in usual font, and you'd be able to put "Go Nick go" in italics, which would look better.
The second section I don't think is so good. It's pretty short and there's a lot of information thrown in about the plot. My advice would be: slow down. Slow down and take the time to properly introduce the main character instead of just telling us a few basic facts about her appearance. Describe how she feels when she wakes up, and where she is. At the moment it's not clear whether she's woken up from having a vision of the future, or if the fight has just happened and she's woken up after having been knocked out. If you describe where she is - in bed, for example (or wherever you choose to put her) - it'll make it clear that the fight hasn't yet happened. This would give you a chance to begin to describe the setting. Even if it's just her bedroom or her house you can start to give people an idea of the kind of fantasy world they live in.
Obviously, you want to introduce the elements of the plot, with Nicola and Daman and wizards and whatnot, but telling so much in such a short space means that it doesn't capture the reader's interest like it could do. If you slowly build it up and reveal details as you go along it will draw people in more and make them want to know more.
Overall, at the moment this is quite rushed, but if you take the time to expand on it and space it out, it could be a good opening. I hope you keep going with this because the plot you've set up sounds very interesting. Keep writing!
PM me if you have any questions or would like to discuss any aspect of this.
Hey I see no reviews..I'm gonna change that
Damon is an interesting name! I like it!
This starts off well I like the idea that an old lady is saying it, it sounds really realistic!
I am not sure this sentence quite makes sence! maybe changing the wording and word order?!
I think you meant saw?!
I have just corrected a few gramatical errors above.
Overall I really liked it so far, defiantly keep going, I think this is a mixture between romance/action/adventure/and fantasy.
I am still not quite sure where you are going to go with this, you have left me on a cliff hanger, but I didn't really think about that until I started correcting the errors. Maybe you could make the cliffhanger more obvious, add more drama.
I really want to find out what you mean by Damon is Mason!
Let me know when you have written the next bit, I am interested.
PM me if you have any problems!